Becoming a mom...

This has been a hard week here at WJU. We found out Monday afternoon that one of our students died. This student went on our New Orleans trip last year for spring break and he was such a sweet, hard working guy. He was pretty quite at first which made me want to get to know him all the more. I would talk to him any chance I got and I think he probably thought I was a crazy lady at first.

I remember one day we had a bunch of black soot and debris on the floor from the ceiling that had been riped down and I looked at him and said, "Come on lets race to see who can get the most cleared off the floor!" And off we both went and within seconds I slipped and fell flat on my butt!!! He laughed so hard as he helped me off the floor!

He started dating one of the other women that was on the trip, who is equally as sweet as he was. I was so excited to find out after we returned home from the trip that they were dating.

This week I cannot stop thinking about her and the grief and loss she is experiencing. I spoke with her briefly Monday night. Tomorrow is the viewing and Friday the funeral service. Every time I find myself in silence I think about him and his girlfriend. Then I start thinking about his parents and even his girlfriends parents.

I can't help but think about how devastating it must be to see your daughter grieving her boyfriend or to feel the depth of pain of loosing your adult child. Then I feel Norah kick and I think that she is safe inside of me and although I am so excited to meet her and hold her I'm scared to have her out because I know I will never be able to keep her wholly safe. I also recognize she is not wholly safe inside either because anything could go wrong.

I know that I can't continue thinking about all of this or I will feel crazy, but my grief for our student is pretty intense right now and my emotions are hard to put to the side. I also think about how this all challenges my faith. I think I am learning to put more and more faith and trust in God. I do not like cliche answers and statements that seem to fly out when a death occurs, especially when it is someone who is young. As I have worked with many Hospice patients and their families and seen the struggle of those comments that they have had to field, I now experience that frustration myself and do not have the answers even though I desire and have worked in a field of death and dying. When it hits you personally it is very difficult. However, I do feel closer with God and that I want to understand the depth of who He is and His love.

I know Norah will have pain and grief in her life and I just keep thinking about how I will respond to her as her mother and how it might be harder for me to see her that way than it is for her.

I remember the day my first niece was born. I loved her so much instantly. I can't imagine how I will feel when I am holding Norah for the first time.

I also need to say that I am loving Joshua more and more through all of this. I love seeing his excitement for Norah to come and even how he is with our students during this difficult week we are experiencing.

I know this post is all over the place, but I just had to express some of what was going on inside of me this week.