Remember the Sabbath

So I am taking my social work board exams for the second time this Wednesday. I took it the first time 10 days before I had Norah. It's a long story, but I signed up a week before I took the test and studied for 7 days straight and failed by one point. It was pretty heart breaking and my pregnancy emotions did not help the situation at all. I cried so hard I thought I was going to induce my labor!

The hardest part about it was that the test was all electronic and there are 170 multiple choice questions. When you answer #170 the screen changes and asks you if you are finished, you click yes and the next screen says, "Click Quit if you are done" you click that and the next screen popped up and said, Failed! I had no idea I was going to know my results so you can imagine my surprise! Then it said by one point and I did not know what to do. It was terrible.

I could not sign up to take the test until 90 days later, so I signed up about a month and a half ago and started studying again. Last Wednesday morning when I was a week away I started to freak out. One of our RA's Ben stopped by to visit and I was telling him about how I could not sleep and was freaking out about it. He is a psychology major and started talking to me about how the process of worrying is the same as the process for thinking positively. He told me I need to tell myself that I will pass my exam. It was helpful to talk to him and later I decided to write on all of our mirrors with a white board erase marker, "I WILL PASS MY BOARD EXAMS!" I also wrote Barak Obama's phrase from one of his earliest speeches, "YES WE CAN!" I figured while I was thinking positively I would also think positively about the candidate that I want to be the next President of the United States! :)

Anyways, it really has been helpful for me to have written this on the mirrors. Everyday as I am getting ready or just walking by, I say the phrase to myself and I have not been worrying as much or being hard on myself.

When I was in Utah I also talked a lot about this with my sister. She was very helpful too because she had also failed her exams for interpreting. She just talked to me about how looking back now she could see God teaching her things and preparing her. I know alot of times that kind of reasoning does not make sense to people and it does not always make me feel better too, but she is right. The fact that I am even writing about this publicly is a big step for me. I did not want to tell anyone when I would be taking the exam again because I felt ashamed about failing. I know that it is entirely possible that I will not pass again, but it is also entirely possible that I will pass the exam. I think the hard part about it is that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself because we are moving to Chicago and I will need to be getting a job. I'm not trying to say that I am not being responsible and studying because trust me I am!

That leads to the subject of this post. Today after lunch Josh had to go do housing sign ups all day, so I came home and got Norah settled down for a nap and then started studying again. I felt very burdened by it and realized that I just needed a break from studying. I realized that it was the Sabbath and I needed to let myself relax and take a break from it all. I have been fighting a cold for too long now and this morning I felt like I might be getting worse again. I needed to let my whole body and mind take a day off and do something I enjoy since I have just been studying as much as I can when Norah is sleeping.

It felt great to put the books away. I took a nap with Norah, played with her, cleaned and organized some things and ate ice cream! I did not stress out about not studying and do not feel like it will make or break me. I am not always good at keeping the sabbath, especially now that I am a mom. I don't know how you take a day off from being a mom though! :)

I know this was a long post to get at the point of it, but I have been really proud of myself for the way I can see growth in areas that have been so hard for me in the past. I hope to have a great report for you all on Wednesday evening after the test. If I don't it will be ok, after some tears of course, which is appropriate and necessary for me to cope! Thanks for reading if you got all the way through!